dyirbal’s blog

American Idol: Results: Out Like A Fat Kid in Dodgeball

What’s that, Paula? Four days left till nuclear holocaust?

Hewwo! I’m back with American Idol results! I’m live-recapping right now and typing my little fingers off. The bottom four are sent packing tonight, so I predict we’ll say “Au revoir, bitches!” to Spicoli (Garrett) and Ellen DeGeneres (Colton). As for the girls, I’m only sure about Amy Davis (girl, you’ve got a future career in being a trade show model), but she’ll be probably be accompanied by one of the older gals. America doesn’t like girls who went to their proms nearly a decade ago. If people could text their votes for political elections the way they can for American Idol, the voter turnout in November might be record-breaking. Of course, we’d have accusations of people drunkenly voting for the wrong person (”I think I voted for Nader!”). FOX is seriously hyping up Don’t Forget The Lyrics featuring Boyz II Men, by the way. Did any of you watch it after the results show? ‘Fess up!

I’ll spare you the montage of the Top 24 video shoots set to an asstasstic Daughtry song. The editors try to make it look like the Top 24 are superglamorous reality show contestants a la The Hills and Real World, but they’re being hounded by fake paparrazi. The producers have also taken a note out of tricks from The OC in trying to make it look like it has some indie credibility with artfully scrawled contestant name graphics that mimic Sharpie signatures on masking tape. There’s a lot of slo-mo action going on here, but the montage stops short of a shot of Princess Diana’s carwreck. Lame. When are montages not lame? When they involve Chia Pets, Sea Monkeys, or Food Network challenges involving craploads of sugar and precarious edible sculptures. Mmm, sugar.

Who would you rather take to a desert island?

Randy’s recycling his black and white striped cardigan again, while Paula’s looking rather somber for someone whose comeback music/dance video is about to debut. Simon opts for all-black as well, and Seacrest calls him “monotonous” in his introduction. It’s starting to feel like a funeral, people. Historically, Idol eliminations tend to be hardest on the older women and the younger men. David Archuleta, the wunderchild and apple of the judges’ eye, is occupying the token “precocious youngun” slot. There’s really no room for Colton and Garrett when you compare them to David the Fetus. He blows them out of the water, and is the one Paula would select first to deflower. While there are two male contestants who are 29, the oldest females are only 25 (Joanne Borgella and Amy Davis). Amy is definitely going home tonight after her, but I have a feeling Joanne’s going to follow – you just can’t even think about attempting “I Say a Little Prayer” without knowing you can knock it out of the park a la Melinda Doolittle.

Welcome to The Bachelor: Idol Edition, where you get a microphone instead of a rose.

The guys file onstage in suits while the girls shimmy in assorted black and white outfits. I spy with my little eye four silly hats, including one on Garrett. It doesn’t help his look at all, except for shading his albino, hauntingly undernourished face. I’m thinking it’s a sign, since Joanne’s wearing one too, and she’s definitely at risk for elimination. Sometimes, I secretly want the infamous group performance to include a medley of songs from My Fair Lady just so they can wear those ridiculous outfits and outrageously huge trimmed chapeaus from the Ascot races. We’re treated to a medley of ’60s tunes including “Needles and Pins” by The Searchers, “When You Walk In the Room” and “A Rose in Spanish Harlem.” I’ve gotta say that Jason Yeager’s single solo line was better than his entire performance from Tuesday. We end the song with JAZZ HANDS and an amusing glimpse of Kristy/Kady/or Brooke trying desperately to tug their miniskirt down so that they don’t flash their camera during the final pose. I’m sorry, but I’ve been spending so much time analyzing the guys’ performances the blonde girls all kind of look the same to me. Seacrest calls Garrett up and starts talking about how hard is is to say goodbye. I’m gleefully clapping my hands at this point ’cause I …
Usefull links: Koco, Gilman school, Kristin chenowith, Lost 4 episode 3, Rockies